How to Put the Kids to Bed - 2 sides of the story

Actually...two sides of the story from only one person's biased perspective. Previewed and accepted by the second person (he didn't tell me NOT to post it, so that MUST mean he approves).

I was inspired by a friend yesterday, who thought I should make a blog about this...so here you go (and imagine what you have to look forward to when it is your turn)

How a Woman Puts the Kids to Bed
- Announces that it is time for child number one to get into the tub/shower.
- Remind said child that it IS in fact her turn to go first because the other child went first YESTERDAY and that this is kept on file in the Mommy brain.
- When water is running, begin table clear up from supper and start making lunches for the next day.
- Unload backpacks from school. Read notes, fill out permission forms, gather change for Hot Dog day.
- Remind child number 2 that he will be going for a shower next.
- Realize that child 1 has likely not thought to wash her hair yet, remind her.
- Remind her again.
- Finish making lunches.
- Remind her again.
- Announce to child 2 that it is time for his bath.
- Run another load of dishes to the dishwasher on way to help child 2.
- Glare at husband on couch.
- With sarcasm ask how the Leafs are doing (evil laugh).
- Help child 2 get undressed and into the tub. Wash his hair.
- Yell for child 1 to get her book and read while you wash child 2's hair.
- Brush child 1's hair.
- Get child 2 out of tub, lotion him up with medicated cream for his skin issues.
- Announce a race to see who can be the first one to get toothpaste on their brush.
- Give multi vitamins
- Supervise teeth brushing.
- Send child 2 into bedroom with his special stuffed toys...search for the special SPECIAL one.
- Argue with child 2 whose turn it is to pick a book.
- Read the book.
- Put books that are read back on the bookshelf.
- Tuck child into bed with a glass of water on the nightstand.
- Feed the fish.
- Water the plant.
- Tuck child 2 into bed again.
- Move to child 1's room. Listen to her read. Read to her.
- Warm up Child 1's flax bag.
- Get fresh glass of water.
- Turn on music.
- Say goodnight. Offer kisses and an extra silly tuck in routine.
- Shut doors and head to kitchen to fold a load of laundry.

TOTAL TIME: 2 hours and 15 minutes.
How Men Put The Children to Bed:
- Turn on Sports Net
- Sit on couch.
- Yell for Child 1 to get into the tub.
- Yell to Child 1 that you don't care whose turn it is, get into the tub!
- See glare from wife.
- Get off couch and tell child 1 to get out of tub.
- Insert child 2 into the bathing facilities.
- Watch Sports Net
- Realize that the bathroom is now full of water, decide to remove child 2.
- Chase children to bed.
- Read a book to each child.
- Toss read book onto the floor.
- Tell child 1 that her room is messy.
- Fist pump Child 1.
- First pump Child 2.
- Tuck children in.
- Close doors.
- Make popcorn.
- Find special SPECIAL stuffed toy and toss into the dark abyss of child 2's room.
- Hear wife dragging kids back out of bed to brush their teeth.
- Shrug.
- Tell wife she is amazing.
- Watch Sports Net.

TOTAL TIME: 15 minutes.

The Compromise Tree

The Christmas books are out of the attic and the tree is set up. We worked hard to make a magazine worthy tree. It took all day but we have now have set up what I call

"The Compromise Tree."

This argument began at 8a.m. when instead of saying good morning, two midgets raided my bed and started pleading to set up the tree.

I dragged my sorry rear end to the attic door.

I stared at the attic door.

I wondered if I could escape through the back door without them noticing....

Why does the Christmas tree have to be in the biggest box in the smallest attic hole, behind every other holiday storage box????

Rory was mighty impressed that his mother could hoist herself up on the railing of the stairs and perform a circus balance act while peering into the attic. I am apparently just like 'Black Widow.' Eat your heart out Scarlett Johannson. Any male reading this is thinking "Get over yourself Regan, you are not Scarlett" But really...not too many of them would admit to reading this. To my 5 year old, I was Black Widow (in her pyjamas). End of story.

"So KIDS," I say in my sultry Black Widow voice (or 'too early in the morning' hoarseness-one of the two), "I was thinking we should change up the colors on the Christmas tree. What if we bought a few new ornaments and made the tree green and blue?"

Both kids stare at me blankly. Rory begins a slow motion side to side shake of his head. Kennedy's eyes get wide and 2 large crocodile tears begin rolling down her cheek.

"OKAY, so what if I bought a tiny tree that you guys could decorate with your ornaments? (Did I mention that Dee also made 156 new, paper cut out decorations as well?)

I knew that this was an unacceptable option when Kennedy started gathering all the ornaments in her arms and while sobbing uncontrollably stated, "Mom, that is not acceptable."

I laugh. Because she is a pack rat. She hoards everything. I....do not. If I don't use it, it is gone. She knows what I am thinking. She isn't letting these ornaments out of her sight.

So, I sit down on the couch and tell everyone to take a deep breath and to sit with me a minute. I try bribery, I try reaching their heartstrings with "But you know how much Daddy likes blue...he will be so surprised to see a blue tree..." I try talking softly and I try talking with authority. They tried crying, they tried pleading, they tried to tell me how much each paper ornament meant to them. I lost.

But Kennedy is quite a diplomat - she decided it would be fair if I got to ADD some new ornaments. If a few could be pink. Okay. Really now, Christmas is not about this Stinkin tree that has me so worked up. I apologize because I am taking this to a whole new level of Scrooge. What really matters is that we are creating this masterpiece together. We are happy, healthy and capable of working together to solve a problem. A little Michael Buble Christmas and we were in evergreen glory.

Throughout the evening, Black Widow may have helped 145 paper ornaments find new homes (she is sneaky like that).

iLove iTechnology...and other Things that Make Me Want to Write a "Book of Awesome."

iThink

technology is unbelievable.

• I just got to hear my niece or nephew's heartbeat over my iPad. Yup. Auntie Jo-elle is one week over due and we are in the stupid grinny-face stage of excitement. AND we got to hear the heartbeat. Rory took a few minutes to figure it out but Kennedy knew right away...right after she thought it was a train...

All I can do is be in awe. And cry. And be in awe. This baby is also a small piece of me.

And it will look just like me.

Because I say so.

Because my own kids don't.

In other awesome news...

• Kennedy's NEW provincial report card showed some shocking surprises...4 pages per student 3 times a year (yay for going green?!?!) and a lot of stress on teachers = one kid that is getting a huge pat on the back for hitting a lot of 4's.

• I got a gift today from a friend/cousin/neighbor. A really awesome gift that I was not expecting. I am very excited about my new Iphone/ipad speaker.

• We have a new plan for the week called "Christmas Spirit." If Dee and Roar want to set up the Christmas tree this week then they need to get along and say only pleasant things to each other...and no, this does not include "Rory, would you PLEASE stop making me angry." Both of the chicklets needed a SLIGHT reminder of this rule tonight as we drove home from hockey:

Me: "SILENCE!!!!!! YOU ARE ALL FORGETTING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT RULE!!!! If you think you are going to say something mean, say Ho Ho Ho instead.

Kennedy "HO HO HO"
Kennedy: "HO HO"
Kennedy: "HO HO HO HO HO"
Insert a lot of laughter.

Rory: HO.

Kennedy: HO HO HO HO HO!!!!

Me: Get out of the vehicle.

• I have two awesome friends in Brandon who are willing to cover for me tomorrow during a presentation if the roads get bad.

• I am going wedding dress shopping with KKNT on Saturday.

• I am taking my family to see How to Train a Dragon LIVE on Sunday.

• Taylor Swift is coming to Winnipeg.

• I am going to be an AUNTIE!!!! iHappy :)

Dangerous Icicles

This is the scene laid out before me:

Five year old boy sitting on Grandma's porch in his bright new winter coat and monster toque.
One boot off.
Blood gushing from head wound.
Bleeding nose.
Tears streaming down his face.

I had been in Grandma's and he was waiting for me what...2 MINUTES?! What could possibly have happened on Grandma's porch?!?! I got down at his level and began wiping blood and tears from his face. I couldn't even imagine what had happened.

Did you trip and bang your head?
Did you slip on the cement?
Seriously Rory, what happened?!

"I hurt my head."

Duh.

Rory, what were you doing before this happened?!?

It was the big shiny HEAVY icicle hanging from the coal house roof. It was good enough to lick. It was good enough to fall on him.

Only Rory.

He doesn't stay down long though. He went straight back outside and put on skis for the first time and skied all the way to the barnyard. His end of the night goal was to get on top of the very steep snow hill and ski down it. I am so proud of the endless optimism and determination when he wants to do something. Finally coaxed down off the side of the hill, I realized that tomorrow's blog posting may be entitled "The Broken Arm."

The Old Popcorn Tin

Today, I cleaned our bedroom and found an old popcorn tin that Erin once gave me. It was filled with all sorts of memorabilia.


I Had a great time going through an old tub of stuff from my elementary and high school days. I decided that I:
a) Had some really cruel friends. Seriously who writes "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, You remind me of Steve Urkel."    Oh wait...that looks like my brother's writing.....
b) Had some really awesome friends.
c) Was way too willing to please them all. I came across a note saying "Thanks for doing my piano theory for me Rainman" Wow. I did homework for people AND accepted my Rainman nickname. This makes me disgusted and giggly at the same time.

At the time, I didn't even know who Rainman was. And quite frankly, I have never met Tom Cruise.

Among the many girlie notes, birthday cards and diaries that I had saved, I found another little piece of my life that I need to make sure I never forget. I had some fantastic friends. In a small town we often become friends with those we are forced to go to school with. This was the case with many of the girls, but not all of them. I had friends that I let write IN my diary. Ones I had secret codes with and ones that I invented new words with. Ones that never forget to send me a birthday card even today. Ones that I danced with, laughed with, sang with, played piano with, played baseball with, stayed up all night long with, got into trouble with and learned a lifetime worth of knowledge with.  I got to thinking today that I must have been quite the young lady to be nick named Rainman. I am so thankful that a handful of people gave me a chance and became lifelong friends.

But I secretly hope I had that nickname simply because Rain Man sounds like Ray Gun.

So thank you to my childhood friends. I am so lucky to still have you in my life. Lindsey with her homemade cards, Auntie Erin with her loyalty and unfaltering faith in me, and KKNT who shares enough of my secrets to someday blackmail me. Opening my tub from the past provided me with many fond memories and laughs today. I was even more pleased to share these memories with my own kids.

Other Note-Worthy Finds:
- The "BuckMaster" Special Edition magazine that I made for Steve in our early dating days.
-  A birthday card from my youngest brother with a picture of a Porche inside and his 9 year old handwriting "Imagine how shocked everyone will be that I was the one to get you a car."
- 3 different calendars. Today in 1998 I had piano lessons and there was a Remembrance Day service at school.
- My Grandparents' Obituary cards.
- An old teen magazine with a boy band on the front that I couldn't even identify.

AWESOME CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP RECIPE JUST POSTED! Check it out under "At the Table"

Juke Box Hero

Today Rory and I decided his future. It went a little like this:

Rory: "Mom, when I grow up I am going to be the Hulk. Wanna know why Mom?"

Rory: "Mom. Wanna know why I want to be the Hulk?"

Rory: "Mom. Wanna know why I want to be the Hulk?"

Me: "mmhmm"

Rory: "Mom. Wanna know why I want to be the Hulk?"

Me: Yes. Yes. I want to know why you want to be the Hulk. (and here I realized that I am getting exhausted of typing quotations and because this is MY blog, I have decided to stop).

Rory: So I can help save people and get rid of all the bad guys.

Me: Mmm...well, the Hulk is a pretend person. Want to know something cool? What if you were a police officer like _____ ? He is a real person. You know him. He helps people and he gets rid of bad guys.

Rory: But Mom. I am going to drink lots of milk so I can be big and green and save people.

Me: But if you were _____ you could pull bad guys over with a cool car and drive really fast and have flashing lights! How cool would THAT be???

Rory: Ummm...Mom...I could chase bad guys without a car if I were the Hulk. How cool would THAT be?

Me: (trying not laugh at this obvious over sight on my part). But Rory, if you were ______ you could put handcuffs on people...wouldn't that be so much fun!?

Rory: Um...Mom...not actually THAT cool.

Me: AND Rory, the girls think men in police uniforms are soooooo cute. Don't you think _____ is soooo cute?

Rory: Ya know, I think I am going to be a drummer. Maybe in a rock band. This song has a good drum beat don't you think (Taylor's new CD song #1)?